A Big World

The world is really big. I know that people say it is getting smaller, what with technology and all that, but it is really really big. So how do you navigate it? A big world means lots of options. Lots of options for work, for fun, for relationships, for mistakes, for joy, for pain – lots of options.

I often find myself musing in my apartment alone, or even sometimes in a crowded room, about how to know if the options I am choosing are the right ones. Be a good person, work hard, be successful, give back, don’t regret – these are all values I hear constantly. And don’t get me wrong, I think they are good values. But what if we have the definitions wrong? What if the idea of “be successful” or “work hard” or any of the others are incorrect. What if I am choosing options based on the wrong premise?

I often use the phrase, “give me the box so I know where I need to be.” This is something I use mainly at work and it helps to give me some boundaries to the different tasks I complete. But if I am being honest, I use it in my personal life as well. I often determine where the box is, or others determine it for me, and then I operate within that box. Sometimes the lines of the box are expectations, sometimes a line is fear and sometimes a line is simply a societal norm. But what if the box (aka my schema) is wrong, what if I drew the lines in the wrong place and I’m operating within a box, choosing all my options based upon the confines of that box, and really I am meant for something different?

The world is a big place. It scares me to realize that the box I have drawn for myself is so small and all the options I choose fall within that box. This post has nothing to do with creativity and thinking outside the box – it has to do with perspective and evaluating the way a single, small life is being lived out in a big world.

Fruitvale Station

I did not know anything about Oscar Grant III. I did not know there was a movie out about his murder. I saw no trailers in commercials, did not see anything on my Twitter feed, nor on Facebook. A friend asked if I had seen it because he heard it was supposed to be the most important movie of our generation – so how did I have no idea about it?

First, the mere fact that I had no knowledge of this film says volumes of my world perspective and the media I am exposed to, but I’ll save that reflection for another post.

The first time I saw Fruitvale Station I cried and walked out of the theater silent, finding it hard to put together a coherent thought. The second time I saw the film I cried and walked out of the theater silent. It was a gripping, raw, emotional portrayal of injustice and the failure of a society to face its systemic problems.

As a Mexican-Polish-American I know very little about what it means to be a Black American, or any person of any type of color. Though I guess I am ‘technically’ not White, I have never felt judged based on my membership to a group defined by skin color.

Because I have never experienced this judgment, it makes me that much more uncomfortable to witness a film such as Fruitvale Station. It is clear injustice, it fills me with rage, hopelessness, fear and pain – but why? And do I have a right to have these types of feelings or reactions?

In the world today, it is sometimes hard. It is hard to know what is politically correct or how to phrase a thought so it is not offense to anyone. What does it mean to be culturally competent, or diverse, or inclusive? Does it mean tiptoeing around sensitive subjects and making sure that everyone feels safe and comfortable? I think not.

No one person’s experience is the same as any other person’s experience. We have to get comfortable in the uncomfortable. There is nothing, I repeat, nothing more important in the world today than to hear another person’s story. Even though I may have never experienced something that you did or had the same type of reaction, it is possible for me to empathize after hearing your story.

I feel rage, hopelessness, fear and pain after watching a film like Fruitvale Station, not because I can relate to the struggles of Oscar or other Black Americans, but because I caught just a glimpse of what it might be like to live that life every single day.

It amazes me the level of adversity so many people face in a place where so many other people have nothing but opportunity. Inequality is the failure of our system, of our government, of our leadership, of ourselves.

I urge everyone to see this film. And one step further, to reflect on what it means to you, what are your feelings, how did you respond to the story. Then, if you witnessed the story as injustice, the ultimate question is what are you going to do about it?

The Scientist

Recently found this profile of an INTJ – it is sort of crazy how well this fits:

Portrait of an INTJ – Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging
(Introverted Intuition with Extraverted Thinking)

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The Scientist

As an INTJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in primarily via your intuition. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things rationally and logically.

INTJs live in the world of ideas and strategic planning. They value intelligence, knowledge, and competence, and typically have high standards in these regards, which they continuously strive to fulfill. To a somewhat lesser extent, they have similar expectations of others.

With Introverted Intuition dominating their personality, INTJs focus their energy on observing the world, and generating ideas and possibilities. Their mind constantly gathers information and makes associations about it. They are tremendously insightful and usually are very quick to understand new ideas. However, their primary interest is not understandinga concept, but rather applying that concept in a useful way. Unlike the INTP, they do not follow an idea as far as they possibly can, seeking only to understand it fully. INTJs are driven to come to conclusions about ideas. Their need for closure and organization usually requires that they take some action.

INTJ’s tremendous value and need for systems and organization, combined with their natural insightfulness, makes them excellent scientists. An INTJ scientist gives a gift to society by putting their ideas into a useful form for others to follow. It is not easy for the INTJ to express their internal images, insights, and abstractions. The internal form of the INTJ’s thoughts and concepts is highly individualized, and is not readily translatable into a form that others will understand. However, the INTJ is driven to translate their ideas into a plan or system that is usually readily explainable, rather than to do a direct translation of their thoughts. They usually don’t see the value of a direct transaction, and will also have difficulty expressing their ideas, which are non-linear. However, their extreme respect of knowledge and intelligence will motivate them to explain themselves to another person who they feel is deserving of the effort.

INTJs are natural leaders, although they usually choose to remain in the background until they see a real need to take over the lead. When they are in leadership roles, they are quite effective, because they are able to objectively see the reality of a situation, and are adaptable enough to change things which aren’t working well. They are the supreme strategists – always scanning available ideas and concepts and weighing them against their current strategy, to plan for every conceivable contingency.

INTJs spend a lot of time inside their own minds, and may have little interest in the other people’s thoughts or feelings. Unless their Feeling side is developed, they may have problems giving other people the level of intimacy that is needed. Unless their Sensing side is developed, they may have a tendency to ignore details which are necessary for implementing their ideas.

The INTJ’s interest in dealing with the world is to make decisions, express judgments, and put everything that they encounter into an understandable and rational system. Consequently, they are quick to express judgments. Often they have very evolved intuitions, and are convinced that they are right about things. Unless they complement their intuitive understanding with a well-developed ability to express their insights, they may find themselves frequently misunderstood. In these cases, INTJs tend to blame misunderstandings on the limitations of the other party, rather than on their own difficulty in expressing themselves. This tendency may cause the INTJ to dismiss others input too quickly, and to become generally arrogant and elitist.

INTJs are ambitious, self-confident, deliberate, long-range thinkers. Many INTJs end up in engineering or scientific pursuits, although some find enough challenge within the business world in areas which involve organizing and strategic planning. They dislike messiness and inefficiency, and anything that is muddled or unclear. They value clarity and efficiency, and will put enormous amounts of energy and time into consolidating their insights into structured patterns.

Other people may have a difficult time understanding an INTJ. They may see them as aloof and reserved. Indeed, the INTJ is not overly demonstrative of their affections, and is likely to not give as much praise or positive support as others may need or desire. That doesn’t mean that he or she doesn’t truly have affection or regard for others, they simply do not typically feel the need to express it. Others may falsely perceive the INTJ as being rigid and set in their ways. Nothing could be further from the truth, because the INTJ is committed to always finding the objective best strategy to implement their ideas. The INTJ is usually quite open to hearing an alternative way of doing something.

When under a great deal of stress, the INTJ may become obsessed with mindless repetitive, Sensate activities, such as over-drinking. They may also tend to become absorbed with minutia and details that they would not normally consider important to their overall goal.

INTJs need to remember to express themselves sufficiently, so as to avoid difficulties with people misunderstandings. In the absence of properly developing their communication abilities, they may become abrupt and short with people, and isolationists.

INTJs have a tremendous amount of ability to accomplish great things. They have insight into the Big Picture, and are driven to synthesize their concepts into solid plans of action. Their reasoning skills gives them the means to accomplish that. INTJs are most always highly competent people, and will not have a problem meeting their career or education goals. They have the capability to make great strides in these arenas. On a personal level, the INTJ who practices tolerances and puts effort into effectively communicating their insights to others has everything in his or her power to lead a rich and rewarding life.

-http://www.personalitypage.com/INTJ.html

Just Do It

Oh Nike. How can those three little words be so difficult?!

I want to go work out. Really, I do! Well… okay, no I really don’t, but I want to want to. Urgh!

Working out has never been something I looked forward to. Sure, after a good workout I feel great. I have a lot of energy, I feel productive, it gets my endorphins pumping – all that good stuff. But the motivation is harder to come by…for example, if I was going to go work out right now, I would have to get up off my bed, get dressed, drive to the gym, stretch, work out, stretch, shower, drive home, change clothes and then crawl back into bed and go to sleep. Seems like an awful lot of work for something I don’t really want to do in the first place.

But of course, I want to be fit. I have no desire to be super skinny or lose a bunch of weight, I am happy with how I look and feel comfortable in my body. However, being healthy and staying active are things that I like to say are important to me. It’s definitely true that talk is easier than action.

So I have set a goal for myself. It has nothing to do with numbers on a scale or calories in the food I eat – I just want to be active. I am going to take the stairs more often, park further away, and GO WORK OUT at least 2-3 times a week. Shouldn’t be hard, right?

I will start tomorrow.

Well-rounded

“-and now I was going to bring back all such things into my life and become again that most limited of all specialists, the “well-rounded” man. This isn’t just an epigram – life is much more successfully looked at from a single window, after all.”

Yes, I have jumped on The Great Gatsby band wagon recently. How could you not? What with the new movie, Stephen Colbert’s inaugural book club selection, etc etc. As I rediscovered this book, that to be fair I loved even back in high school, I am falling in love with all of the little quips I am discovering in the pages. In particular I found this quote, very early in the first chapter, to particularly stand out.

Well-rounded. What a concept. As a classic type A, overachiever I always considered myself to be fairly well-rounded. In high school I played sports, was in theater, was active in church, participated on student council – all those wonderful things that help to round out a person. However, there was always a sense that I had, of being okay at a lot of things and longing to be amazing at just one thing. Sure, my “well-roundedness” helped me get into college, and then helped with scholarships, grad school, a teaching assistantship and gaining employment – but at the end of the day, is it really a good thing?

Sometimes I think that for all my well-rounding, all I have to show for it is being the world’s best small talker. Whatever it is you are interested in or want to chat about, I can probably hold up my end of the conversation – because I have literally dabbled in it all. This however, I do not find particularly useful outside of a 30 second elevator ride. Oh how I long to be an expert – the very best at a particular task. You cannot be the best at everything, you have to choose one thing, and most experts or those that excel at an activity, decided on what that activity would be at a very young age. Malcolm Gladwell talks about experts and those people who are truly outliers in his rightly titled book, Outliers. He proposes that in order to be the best or be an expert, you must put in 10,000 hours at least at that task. Well, I don’t know about anyone else, but that is A LOT of time! Possible of course, but phew – that would be working 8 hours a day at a single task for 1,250 days – nonstop!

So well-rounded kind of sounds crappy if you want to be the best. 10,000 hours for each of the activities that put together your well-roundedness seems like you will spend an entire lifetime working towards something. No, I think Gatsby had it right – “life is much more successfully looked at through a single window-“. The difficult question then becomes, what window shall I look through?

The Top of the Mountain

I have not posted in about a month because I have been busy completing graduate school. And now….drum roll please….I am officially done! I did it. I have reached the top of the mountain. In my short 23 years of life I have completed a high school diploma from a private, college-prep high school; I received a Bachelors in Social Work and a second Bachelors in Organizational Communication; and now I can add a Masters in Social Work to the list. All of this has required a lot of working multiple jobs, saying no to crazy parties, studying through sleepless nights and learning absolutely everything I could.

In terms of the wonderful metaphor – the mountain climb was long and hard, it required more than I had expected. It required additional tools and drive and sacrifices and motivation. There were some points in the climb where I almost decided to turn back or try again in a few years. There were times when I thought I was climbing towards an unachievable peak. But due to a few close friends and an amazing few family members; I persevered and am now on the top of the mountain.

Problem is, I am only 23 – I am on the top of a mountain, not the mountain. So what happens next? My mountain climb did not prepare me to answer this question. Do I go back down the mountain and find another one to climb? Do I stay at the top of the mountain and just set up camp for a while…how does this work? Why is achievement so complicated?

Fear of a Risk

We live in a world where messages of the benefits of risk taking are constantly bombarding us. It seems every turn we take there is a new anecdotal tale or quote of the benefits of taking a chance.

Go big or go home.

In the end we only regret the chances we did not take.

Every risk not taken is a missed opportunity.

And on and on the list goes…but are all these words, meant to inspire, actually true? Is taking great risks the only way to reap great rewards? As I sit at my computer pondering this question that seems to be coming up more and more in my newly emerged adult life – I feel the need to really find an answer. 

Is it worth it to put yourself out there, be bold and vulnerable, for the chance of something you think you want? This week I have the opportunity to take a risk to do something that I have always wanted to do. In order to do this thing, I will need to put myself out there completely, risk humiliation and rejection. Even now, a few days away, I can feel the anxiety rising. Is it really worth it? I can hear all the excuses and reasoning in my head; the opportunity is too soon, I won’t have enough time to prepare, it is just not a good time right now, the commitment might be too much…on and on. So essentially, it is a big risk – is it a risk I am willing to take? How do I make that determination? Oh boy….here comes to pros and cons list…

Men vs Women, or is it Women vs Men?

This might get me in trouble because I am not entirely sure that I am about to be politically correct…but please bare with my musings and self-discovery and the idea that what is about to follow might not be my opinion, but instead is a thought process that I am trying to get through so I can discover what my opinion actually is, hope that is okay….

I want to process some differences that I see between men and women as well as this whole idea about women’s rights and equality. Bitch. What a word. In a professional world, it seems this is almost synonymous with successful women. Women that are successful have to be so assertive it is borderline aggressive. They must make their presence known, stick up for themselves so as to avoid being run over. And inevitably, this assertiveness is quickly labeled as bitchy. Why is that? 

Is it because men do not want their women assertive? Is ambition and assertiveness, going after what you want, a manly quality? Hmm, what a thought to think. I was watching Meet the Press, what seems like forever ago, and there was a conversation about how women need to learn to lean forward. The guests on the show were talking about how women sort of naturally lean back, listen, wait their turn. And the guest, who was a woman, was saying how that was not okay – that more women need to learn how to lean forward and insert themselves into the conversation. 

Now I agree with that, but I also disagree. If the idea is that women naturally lean back and listen, the idea of “caregiver” attributes , why should we have to fight that instinct and instead be “manly” and lean forward and insert ourselves? I realize that it is necessary to get involved and be sure our voice is heard – but does that mean we must fight a natural instinct? If we are talking about equality and women’s rights, shouldn’t that mean that I am able to be successful as who I naturally am rather than trying to become more like a man in order to succeed? 

I think there is a long overdue discussion on gender equality – actual EQUALITY – rather than gender-equality-meaning-women-are-encouraged-to-act-more-like-men. Why can’t I have nurturing qualities and enjoy listening and being less aggressive and take a mediator role rather than an aggressor role and still be successful? Why does society equate success with aggressiveness and going after what you want, not letting anything stand in your way, not accepting no for an answer. I think that society could benefit enormously from reframing success as win-win mediation, diplomacy, or making sure everyone is heard. All of which, by the way, require skills that women are traditionally better at. 

Just a musing. I want to be able to be who I am and be successful. I want to be a woman and not have to make apologies or act like the men around me in order to be respected or heard. It is time that success starts being attributed to those that actually do the work, rather than those that play or fit the role of our current definition of “successful” well. 

Vicarious Television

Sometimes I forget that I am a person. No really. It’s true. When I am watching TV shows, some that I have been watching for years, or others that I have just started following. What is it about TV shows that makes us feel as if we are a part of the action? I get personally connected to characters, I find myself hoping that this couple gets together, or wondering if this guy is going to get the promotion…it is weird because these are not real people. So then why am I so involved?

Perhaps this is just a “me” problem, but somehow I think it is a “we” problem and I am not the only person that experiences this phenomenon that I am going to refer to as vicarious television. 

I can find myself being sucked into this illusion, particularly when my own life is not going as well as I hoped or planned. Sometimes I like to escape and I will turn on the television, or my computer and catch up with some old familiar friends. Of course these people on the television are not my friends, I have never talked to them, nor do they actually exist, but somehow they seem to know so much about my life. There is rarely a week I cannot turn on a Grey’s Anatomy episode and hear some wise words from Dr. Bailey that seem to apply directly to my life even though she is addressing Meredith. Vicarious television (and brillant writing?). 

This is a dangerous phenomenon however, and I would like to send out a warning. STOP! No more living vicariously through television shows, no more holding reality to the expectations of TV romance or drama. It is dangerous to watch The Office and see Jim fall in love with Pam, and they flirt and then (spoiler alert!) end up together. This does not always happen in real life. Happily ever after is not reality and that complicated relationship you have that seems to mirror Carrie and Big is not going to end in a fancy carpeted closet with a $500 pair of heels and lots of kisses. 

So I make my plea, stop living vicariously through television shows – they are not real, at least live vicariously through a friend or family member, those folks are semi-grounded in reality. 😉 

Grown-Up-Ness

So I am about to grow up, like the real, actual here, grow up. Yeah, yeah, I have been saying for years and hearing other people comment on my maturity and basic “grown-up-ness”. But, here is the thing – I really am not. Even though I know how to create a budget and pay the bills and clean the bathroom, that does not mean I am a ‘grown up’. The real transition, and perhaps I should change this title to graduating, but I think becoming a grown up happens when you finally leave school and get a full time job.

What a rite of passage! So my life, to this point has been, finish pre-school, start elementary school, finish that and start middle school, finish that and start high school, finish that and start undergrad, finish that and start grad school, finish that and…..oh boy…..gulp……double gulp…..what?

This is what I am having a hard time with, and frankly a TON of anxiety. There is no clear next step. Yes, I realize that the next step is get a full time job with benefits and a retirement package, so thanks for pointing out the obvious – but what I mean is, what job? Or better yet, not just what job, but what’s the right job?

When picking out colleges, I was not very picky, basically you are going to school to learn and get that diploma. I think there are some fields where it really matters what school you attended, but for social work (my chosen field) as long as you go to an accredited college, I don’t really think it matters too much. So that wasn’t so bad, I picked the colleges that were convenient.

My first ‘grown-up’ job however, I want to be selective, but not too selective as we are still in a recession….so how does this work? I am young, only 22, and am going to have my Masters in a few short months (by then I will be 23) and I don’t recall taking any class or seminar that explained how to look for a job and know that it is a good job and even more importantly that it is a job that will help get you to where you want to go.

I know what I want to do for my career, at least I think I do, but that is like 10-15 years down the road, after I have experience and more practical knowledge. What I have no clue about is where to get that experience and practical knowledge. I can think a job posting sounds interesting and I bring some skills to the table while there are still areas for me to learn and grow, but is that job going to get me to that place 10-15 years down the road? Does it matter?

So here I am again, feeling more childish than ever, on the brink of real adulthood and grown-up-ness, and I am completely lost. Maybe I should just go on to get my PhD…..